Dear Readers,
Sorry I haven’t written in a long-ass time. I’ve been
getting ready to gradumatate.
That’s a mash-up of graduate and mutate. I feel like since I
can no longer click student on all drop-down menus I’m also mutating.
Which makes me think of those ninja turtles who ate pizza.
Hmm, I’ma go get some pizza —
Yeah getting ready to graduate makes you do all sorts of
stuff. Last night, I was like IMA EAT THIS WHOLE THING OF ICE CREAM!
And then I couldn’t… Like I physically couldn’t, which was
weird cuz I always stuff my face with butter pecan and fudge sauce and so I was
like, WHO AM I ANYMORE?!
And started to cry.
And my roommates were like, Uhhh, are you ok?
As I sat sobbing over my unfinished ice cream, fudge on my
face. So I replied that I was in a “rough place” right now.
And they were like, okay…
And I thought about how if I can’t even finish this ice
cream what do I really have to show for these last 4 years?!?!?!
And then they were like, You
should watch Zoolander or something.
And I was like, You
know I take myself too seriously for that!
So I went into my room and thought about how insensitive
they were being and decided to watch a TED talk about how to find happiness
instead.
I think the universe
does probably everything it can to remind you that your world is crumbling
beneath your feet around this time.
I’d just like to put a few of them out there. You know, get
them off my proverbial chest because I’m starting to feel like I need to
validate my feelings and I think you may need yours validated too.
1. Commencement videos go viral.
IF I HAVE TO WATCH JK ROWLING TALK ABOUT ROCK BOTTOM ANOTHER
FUCKING TIME I’M GONNA REACH THROUGH MY COMPUTER AND PUNCH HER TO THE ACTUAL
GROUND. But thanks for Harry Potter. And you are actually really cool. Sorry I’m
taking this out on you JK.
Thought: Harry Potter never had to graduate.
He dropped out. Like all the other famous and great and rich
people. Which then makes me feel bad that I am this close to graduation and
still haven’t dropped out which means there are no positions of grandeur in my
future. Fuck.
Another thought: Steve Jobs’ commencement speech is another
virus that is so beautiful and blah blah blah but really the whole time I
listen to it I’m like, I know inside all you’re thinking is You suckers just wasted 4 years being beaten
down by the man and I am basically God incarnate.
Still, RIP. I love my iphone. Thank you Jobs.
- Facebook Grad Photos.
Everyone’s like OMG
I’m going to miss this place so much! (insert mascot) For life!!!!!!!!
And I’m like, vomit, vomit, vomit, vomit, vomit.
- There are like a million
things to do to get your grad tickets.
If you go to a big school like me,
there are like, a bajillion different ceremonies you can go to and like twice
the number of kinds of pictures and tassels and sack dresses and hats to buy or
get delivered or wait in line for.
Thought: Why do we call them robes? They are like, huge
black garbage bags but not waterproof and I’m like, none of these fit and this
hat is cardboard.
Anyway, I’m reminded daily that I have 4 different color
coordinated tickets to pick up b/c people instagram them and are like, #(insert
mascot)forlife!!!
Also, I was at the English Department office today and they asked,
Do you want a coupon
to get you order your photos from when you walk across the stage?
And I’m like, No.
And I’m like, No.
And they’re like, but
you might want them.
And I’m like, Probably
not.
So I walk out with a coupon which is a waste
of paper.
More Thoughts: I’ve recycled enough paper in the form of old
school hands to have already saved the Amazon three times. Real talk.
#whenIseepaperIseedeadmarmots
#wherearemarmotsfrom?
#WHATDIDIEVENLEARNINCOLLEGE?!
#SteveJobshaditright
#he’slaughingfromheaven
#toosoon?
#Ilovemyiphone.
Anyone I finally got all of my ticket shenanigans in order
and BAM, numba 4
- Getting grad checks in the
mail and letters that are like, we
are so proud of you because you are amazing and probably even shit
confetti!
(This one is actually ok)
- Everyone starts staying,
“Before we/you leave,” at the end of every statement.
This then makes you feel like
everything you do is for the last time like you are preparing to die. And then
you have to remind yourself that you aren’t dying but in fact are being set
free from society’s industrial education complex and can now spread your wings
and do whatever you want like forget everything you learned about the
Heisenberg’s Uncertainty principle and postmodernism and go live in an Ashram
with your sister.
But alas, all the finality of it all makes you feel like you
need to go to every single coffee shop you’ve ever been to around that area
that now you’re out of cash and are so amped on caffeine you can’t sleep so you
stay up late eating ice cream…but we know where this is going.
6. YOU SUDDENTLY
THINK YOU ACCIDENTALLY DIDN’T COMPLETE ALL OF YOUR REQUIREMENTS…
…BUT IT’S SUNDAY AND THE ACADEMIC
ADVISOR OFFICE ISN’T OPEN SO YOU HAVE TO CHECK YOUR DEGREE REPORT FOR YOURSELF.
Meanwhile, as you log onto your online college account, your
heart is thumping out of your chest because if you happen to see anything that
is bolded, that’s it!
You are actually gonna keel over . Right there. On
the spot.
Of course you have to wait for the damn website to load
because your university is technologically still in 2000 (another reason you
cannot wait to peace the fuck out) and while It’s loading your adrenaline is
like HAHA sucks for you!
And you think about crying or maybe just holding your
stuffed animal really tight —
MAYBE I’M NOT READY TO GRADUATE BECAUSE I STILL HAVE STUFFED
ANIMALS! WILL I EVER BE READY!?
And you plan what you will do if the degree report is
actually all bold.
I'll hitch-hike to that ashram I’ve been Googling and live a vegan, 0 carbon’ed-footprint life with monkeys and marmots as my companions.
But alas, everything is fine, as expected.
Note to self: Look into marmots as future pets.
There are many, many, more things that remind me every day
that I’m graduating, but for now, world, I hope my letter has validated that
these phenomena are REAL and we have to band together against all this excess
grad shit that is toying with our emooootttiiioonnnss.
To all my graduates out there, Congrats, or whatever.
Much Love,
Lisa January
