The Many Adventures of Lisa January: Graduation

Dear Readers,

Sorry I haven’t written in a long-ass time. I’ve been getting ready to gradumatate.

That’s a mash-up of graduate and mutate. I feel like since I can no longer click student on all drop-down menus I’m also mutating.

Which makes me think of those ninja turtles who ate pizza. Hmm, I’ma go get some pizza —

Yeah getting ready to graduate makes you do all sorts of stuff. Last night, I was like IMA EAT THIS WHOLE THING OF ICE CREAM!

And then I couldn’t… Like I physically couldn’t, which was weird cuz I always stuff my face with butter pecan and fudge sauce and so I was like, WHO AM I ANYMORE?!

And started to cry.

And my roommates were like, Uhhh, are you ok?

As I sat sobbing over my unfinished ice cream, fudge on my face. So I replied that I was in a “rough place” right now.

And they were like, okay…

And I thought about how if I can’t even finish this ice cream what do I really have to show for these last 4 years?!?!?!

And then they were like, You should watch Zoolander or something.

And I was like, You know I take myself too seriously for that!

So I went into my room and thought about how insensitive they were being and decided to watch a TED talk about how to find happiness instead.

 I think the universe does probably everything it can to remind you that your world is crumbling beneath your feet around this time.

I’d just like to put a few of them out there. You know, get them off my proverbial chest because I’m starting to feel like I need to validate my feelings and I think you may need yours validated too.

1. Commencement videos go viral.

IF I HAVE TO WATCH JK ROWLING TALK ABOUT ROCK BOTTOM ANOTHER FUCKING TIME I’M GONNA REACH THROUGH MY COMPUTER AND PUNCH HER TO THE ACTUAL GROUND. But thanks for Harry Potter. And you are actually really cool. Sorry I’m taking this out on you JK.

Thought: Harry Potter never had to graduate.

He dropped out. Like all the other famous and great and rich people. Which then makes me feel bad that I am this close to graduation and still haven’t dropped out which means there are no positions of grandeur in my future. Fuck.

Another thought: Steve Jobs’ commencement speech is another virus that is so beautiful and blah blah blah but really the whole time I listen to it I’m like, I know inside all you’re thinking is You suckers just wasted 4 years being beaten down by the man and I am basically God incarnate.

Still, RIP. I love my iphone. Thank you Jobs.

2. Facebook Grad Photos.

Everyone’s like OMG I’m going to miss this place so much! (insert mascot) For life!!!!!!!!

And I’m like, vomit, vomit, vomit, vomit, vomit.

3. There are like a million things to do to get your grad tickets.

If you go to a big school like me, there are like, a bajillion different ceremonies you can go to and like twice the number of kinds of pictures and tassels and sack dresses and hats to buy or get delivered or wait in line for. 

Thought: Why do we call them robes? They are like, huge black garbage bags but not waterproof and I’m like, none of these fit and this hat is cardboard.

Anyway, I’m reminded daily that I have 4 different color coordinated tickets to pick up b/c people instagram them and are like, #(insert mascot)forlife!!!

Also, I was at the English Department office today and they asked,

Do you want a coupon to get you order your photos from when you walk across the stage?
And I’m like, No.

And they’re like, but you might want them.

And I’m like, Probably not.

So I walk out with a coupon which is a waste of paper.

More Thoughts: I’ve recycled enough paper in the form of old school hands to have already saved the Amazon three times. Real talk.

#whenIseepaperIseedeadmarmots

#wherearemarmotsfrom?

#WHATDIDIEVENLEARNINCOLLEGE?!

#SteveJobshaditright

#he’slaughingfromheaven

#toosoon?

#Ilovemyiphone.

Anyone I finally got all of my ticket shenanigans in order and BAM, numba 4

4. Getting grad checks in the mail and letters that are like, we are so proud of you because you are amazing and probably even shit confetti!

(This one is actually ok)

5. Everyone starts staying, “Before we/you leave,” at the end of every statement.

This then makes you feel like everything you do is for the last time like you are preparing to die. And then you have to remind yourself that you aren’t dying but in fact are being set free from society’s industrial education complex and can now spread your wings and do whatever you want like forget everything you learned about the Heisenberg’s Uncertainty principle and postmodernism and go live in an Ashram with your sister.

But alas, all the finality of it all makes you feel like you need to go to every single coffee shop you’ve ever been to around that area that now you’re out of cash and are so amped on caffeine you can’t sleep so you stay up late eating ice cream…but we know where this is going.

6.  YOU SUDDENTLY THINK YOU ACCIDENTALLY DIDN’T COMPLETE ALL OF YOUR REQUIREMENTS…

…BUT IT’S SUNDAY AND THE ACADEMIC ADVISOR OFFICE ISN’T OPEN SO YOU HAVE TO CHECK YOUR DEGREE REPORT FOR YOURSELF.

Meanwhile, as you log onto your online college account, your heart is thumping out of your chest because if you happen to see anything that is bolded, that’s it!

You are actually gonna keel over . Right there. On the spot.

Of course you have to wait for the damn website to load because your university is technologically still in 2000 (another reason you cannot wait to peace the fuck out) and while It’s loading your adrenaline is like HAHA sucks for you!

And you think about crying or maybe just holding your stuffed animal really tight —

MAYBE I’M NOT READY TO GRADUATE BECAUSE I STILL HAVE STUFFED ANIMALS! WILL I EVER BE READY!?

And you plan what you will do if the degree report is actually all bold. 

I'll hitch-hike to that ashram I’ve been Googling and live a vegan, 0 carbon’ed-footprint life with monkeys and marmots as my companions.

But alas, everything is fine, as expected.

Note to self: Look into marmots as future pets.

There are many, many, more things that remind me every day that I’m graduating, but for now, world, I hope my letter has validated that these phenomena are REAL and we have to band together against all this excess grad shit that is toying with our emooootttiiioonnnss.

To all my graduates out there, Congrats, or whatever.

Much Love,

Lisa January

The Many Adventures of Lisa January: Finals Week

Dear Readers,

     It’s finals week and I know a lot of you are stressed and stuff about not totally failing everything and going home for break to parents who are like, “I can’t wait for you to be a doctor!” and you’re like, “hah hah, yeah..”

So, in the holiday spirit, I’ve decided to help you out and tell you exactly how to prepare for a final/survive finals week.

First:

Start a week in advance by getting addicted to coffee. Don’t like coffee? Too bad. This is finals. Sack up.

You can do this by drinking coffee unnecessarily and then staying up late and then needing coffee in the morning when you didn’t get enough sleep. Done. You are addicted. You may ask, “why do I need to be addicted to coffee during finals week? Don’t I not want to be addicted so that it will work better and I can actually use it?”

This kind of logic is false! It is way more important to be actually addicted so that when you inevitably whine about being tired and needing coffee, you won’t be lying and even if you are actually suffering, at least you aren’t a coffee-poser.

(also, everyone around you will think you have more to do and will then feel sorry for you and offer to bring you coffee at random moments of the day. Hell yeah.)

All of this talk about coffee brings me to my next point, coffee shops:

Second:

Study at cool coffee shops. It will make you feel more grown up and hipster and you can have coffee while you do it.

Also, when you run into people, you can make a big deal about it and be like, “Hey! Omg I know I have soooo much work to do! When’re you done?! Good to see you!!!! I hate finals, teehee, omg!” Then you will feel popular, even if everyone else in the shop scowls are you for making lotsa noise.

*sidenote: You CANNOT be picky about which shop you go to because they will all be so full you may just have to linger outside in the cold until you see someone walk out and then walk in being like, what good timing!

**other sidenote: even though coffee shops are hard to get seats in and encourage you to spend monies which is also kinda bad, and have music playing that can distract you, they are still better than the library for the following reasons:

1.  During finals week, the library looks like a refugee camp, which is scary and smelly cuz ppl don’t shower. It’s gross.

2.  You have to sneak coffee into the library and the last thing you want is for someone to be like, “hey, you can’t have that in here” cuz then their you’ll start crying or you’ll get all angry and be like, “don’t tell me what to do!” and they’ll say, “its against the rules,” and you’ll say, “fuck the rules!!!!” (or start crying) and they’ll ask you to leave and now you need to find a spot at a coffee shop.

3.  Libraries have lotsa stairs to walk up. 

4. Unruly and mean patrons don’t recognize its finals week and feel entitled to the library (which they live in) and can be more distracting than the 90s pop music in the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (or the Starbucks. Again, you can’t be picky about coffee shops).

5. Libraries are cold.

***final sidenote: You can’t always study at home cuz as soon as someone finishes their finals they are like, “wanna get food or go do something? Wanna watch Glee? Why are you so stressed?” And you will get at passive aggressive cuz outside you’re like, “I happy for you that you’re done” and inside you’re thinking, “I WILL SHOW YOU ‘DONE!’”

Third:

To Review Session or Not to Review Session

If you are majoring in Reading like I am, you’ll know that review sessions are actually just places for people to talk about how unfair the final is going to be and how it sucks that the TA can’t give us more specific information about what to expect. Sure, you can define terms or whatever, but try and ask a question, I dare you.

Ex:

Student: how long does the response to the identification passage have to be?

TA: as long as it needs to be.

Student: what does that mean

TA: say as much as you need to and then you will be done

Student: how much do I need to say

TA: depends on the scope of your argument

Student: what does scope mean?

See. This is a totally futile get together of angsty, cranky, hungry, tired, stressed, college kids who want their TAs and peers to tell them the answers to the unknowable, unwritten, top-secret final exam. This brings me to my next point.

Fourth:

Avoid that kid who wants to “study” but actually just knows you understand the material better than them and wants you to explain again.

Fifth:

Materials

Again, if you are a Reading major, make sure you have plenty of Blue Books. I always like to bring at least 8 to each final exam. That way, you have:

1 to write in.

1 to make you safe in case you have to cross everything out and totally start over cuz you didn’t read the instructions.

2 to give away to people you are friends with and actually wanna help

2 to give to people you don’t like but feel guilty b/c they saw you giving Blue Books to your friends

And 2 to sop up the coffee at your feet you accidently kick when you realize you only have 30 minutes left and haven’t started writing your 5^th essay.

WARNING: 

DO NOT write your name on your Blue Books until you start the final because some skeptical teachers have you pass them all to the front of the class and redistribute them and then you have to cross it out and it becomes aesthetically displeasing and the person that gets it can still see your name and is mad at you cuz their exam booklet is ugly now.

Also, do not forget lotsa pens and pencils. Your ink will run out. It just will. The finals Gods deliberately sit up in the sky and wait for you to be almost done with your in class essay and then are like:

Sixth:
Facebook.

Now, this is a touchy subject and I know there are a lot of varying viewpoints on how to go about fb during finals week. For me, I take the realist approach. That is, I don’t get all dramatic and post a status weeks in advance saying:

“Hey everyone! Finals are coming up so I’m going off of facebook but I’ll be back soon! Don’t worry!”

This is stupid and embarrassing and no one cares. Also, I don’t have anyone change my password for me cuz sometimes I actually just need 20 mins to go stalk cute boys and then I feel happier and can be more productive. But, if you are going to stay on fb during finals, just be prepared to read the following on your mini feed, every. Single. Minute. 

Also, all of these statuses suck b/c people comment like, “it’s okay! You can do it!” or “congratulations!”

And I want to vomit cuz I’m like:

And the Seventh and final piece of advice I’d like to give: DON’T SLEEP.

During finals week, you have less to do than you think, but you spend so much time stressing and whining that before you know it you actually are kinda behind in what you have to do. Therefore, you cannot sleep. However, there are lots of upsides to not sleeping:

1. You can post as your status: “Been up all night. Ready for this final to be over!” and you will sound hardcore and like a college student. And then people can comment and be like, “me too!” and you have solidarity over fb with people

2. If you stay up, you are OBVIOUSLY more prepared than the person sitting next to you and when they ask “how much did you study for this final?” You can say, “Oh man, I stayed up all night.” And then they will be like:

You’ve totally destroyed their mental game! Good for you.

*note: if you are a Reading major, there is no curve, but you can still psych people out.

3.  Sleeping is for noobs

4. Years from now, you can look back and be like, “oh those crazy college all-nighters.”

5. This will help you reinforce your coffee addiction and will make you even less likely to fall into “coffee-poser-dom.”

Hope this helps. Anything I should add? Let me know and Good luck to everyone who isn’t “done.”

To those who are, get off facebook.

Much Love,

Lisa January

The Many Adventures of Lisa January: The Gym, Part 2 – Slutty Sue and the Tank Top Monsters

The Many Adventures of Lisa January: The Gym, Part 2 – Slutty Sue and the Tank Top Monsters

Dear Readers,

Sorry it has taken me so long to tell the 2nd part of my Epic Gym Saga. Your patience is greatly appreciated. Anndddd.... here we go:

So after I had finally made it to the gym, I thought to myself, "Now what?"

Options:

1. Go inside - this may lead to exercise, but definitely not necessarily.

2. Turn around and go back and tell Selfy to fuck herself b/c she never said to actually exercise, she just said go to the gym and I fuckin already pwn-ed that shit.

3. Go to Taco Bell.

Why is this so difficult to decide?! I considered asking Selfy for a little more guidance, but then remembered that she sucks and that I could make this decision on my own.

Somewhat reluctantly, I decided to go with option 1: actually go inside.

Okay Lisa, you can do this. Just put on a super awesome workout playlist and at least try out one of the machines for, let's say 5 min, and then after that if you want to keep going you can. But, if you are utterly miserable, you can leave and will still have been victorious. Yeahh, that sounds good.

So I went inside.

Immediately, I knew this was a mistake.

I should have gone to Taco Bell.

Just as I was about to turn around and be like, Jklolznvm, I see my friend, Sue, who works out like twice a day and has a body make of  steel but is still feminine and I hate her guts.

Sue: Hey Lisa!

Lisa: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckdonttalktomefuckfuckfuckgoawayihateyouskinnyassbitchhoeslut 

Hey Sue, whats up?

Sue: Just about to do some cardio. Where are you in your workout? Wanna join?

Lisa: fuckyoubitchillneverjoinyouever! I just started. Sure, cardio sounds good.

Sue: Awesome, I was thinking elliptical

Lisa: of course you were, bitchhoebitch. Okay. greeeaaattttt.

So Sue and I walk together into the cardio room and try to find two elliptical machines next to each other. Unfortunately, the only two machines open are not next to each other, but one in front of the other. So, just my luck, Sue takes the one in the back, meaning now I am stuck working out in front of the Bionic Woman and she gets to watch me look like a fucking wimpy moron on my least favorite machine ever. My problems are really bad.

*footnote: Elipticals suck. Mostly because they are normally commandeered by all the sorority girls

who can't help but give it a bad rep. Also, it makes your boobs bounce up and down, which may be an attraction for the sorority scene, but in reality it is just extremely painful and not cute whatsoever.

I start elliptical-ing. I feel like a tool. I want to stop. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. What am I doing here? I look down at the dashboard thingy of the machine:

Oh. My. God. I am never going to survive this. I will die right here. I tried to focus on my music, but the song that comes on is Feels Like Today. Normally, I'd be TOTALLY down, but all I can think is, NO IT DOESN’T! Now I will forever associate this song with this miserable, embarrassed, exhausted, depressed feeling. I want to cry. Now I resent the elliptical even more for making me resent a good song. So much resentment!

Finally, the dashboard reads:

5 minutes. I made it! I reconsider what I am doing, realizing I feel terrible about myself, doing this dumb-ass machine in front of Sue who has probably already burned like 5,698,798,656 calories without breaking a sweat and still looks cute and is like "exercising makes me feel so good!" I can just imagine her listening to Party in the USA and shitting herself about how great and fit she is. I want to throw up everywhere just thinking about it.

So I stop. Get off. Walk over to Sue and (try to) calmly say,

Lisa: Hey, I think I'm actually gonna go to the weight room. anything to get away from your smug gaze burning into the back of my neck like a flamethrower!

Sue: Wow, that is so impressive!

Lisa: ...bitch. Thanks. Catcha later.

What was I thinking. Lifting? I mustof really panicked back there. Maybe I can just walk over in the direction of the weight room, and then inconspicuously leave out the back door and go get Taco Bell. 

But then I realize I am already sweaty (gross), and now I have even more reason to stay and actually try to exercise. I HATE THE GYM! IT RUINS MY ALREADY REALLY DIFFICULT LIFE!!!

Okayokayokay, calm down. Now is not the time or the place to rage. Just go to the weight room, do a squat or two and then revaluate. Good plan.

I walk into the weight room.

If sorority row has colonized the ellipticals, the weight room is frat central.

So many tank tops. 

I’m not even attracted to these behemoths, but I literally cannot focus with this many tank tops.

It's like all of the biceps in the world revolted and demanded their liberty and the weight room is their party headquarters. So many tank tops! I'm dizzy from so many tank tops. I take a minute to myself to recover from all of the tank tops and then continue on.

I walk over to the squat thing. Luckily, there is no one in front of me, otherwise I would have just split then and there. Been like, ohmantoobadguessig2gbaaiii!!!

But no. Now that I am actually standing in front of the squat thing, I start to get a little motivated. Let's do this! Naturally, I put on the best lifting song ever, Ice Cream Paint Job.

I start by just lifting the bar. (I look around to make sure there are not cute boys who will be watching me epically fail at only lifting the stupid fuckin bar which already weighs way more than necessary). The coast is clear.

Here I go. And in my head I hear: "Yeah buddy, rolling like a big shot, Chevy tuned up like a NASCAR pitstop.."

I take my first squat.

Inhale. GAAHHHHLORDHAVEMERCYYY!! Exhale. 1.

I did it. Yeaaahh Buddy! Only 9 more.

The song changes to Man in the Mirror and I’m like, WTF?! So I quickly search for another good motivating/badass song. Yup, found it: Poppin' bottles in the ice, like a blizzard, when we drink we do it right gettin' slizzard. I’m singing under my breath now, uhhh, what, yeah, what, mmhmm, mmmhmm. I'm starting to really feel like a big shot now and with my new found attitude, I manage to finish one set. Despite my superb mental ferocity, all the while my legs are screaming at me:

I take a break after my first set. Wipe my brow. Finish my water bottle and strut over to the fountain to fill it back up. As I strut, I have this cocky look on my face that tells any and all tank top monsters that, yeah, I lift. What now mofucka??!??!!?

And here I will take another break in my Saga of the Gym and the Tank Top Monsters. I hope you enjoyed Gym Part II. Part III - Abs and Other Miserable Core Work, will be coming as soon as possible.

In the meantime, if anyone sees Sue at the gym, just avoid any and all contact, eye contact, anything, and you will hopefully be saved from the most devastatingly traumatizing 5 minutes of your life.

Sincerely,

Lisa January