The Many Adventures of Lisa January: The Gym, Part 2 – Slutty Sue and the Tank Top Monsters

The Many Adventures of Lisa January: The Gym, Part 2 – Slutty Sue and the Tank Top Monsters

Dear Readers,

Sorry it has taken me so long to tell the 2nd part of my Epic Gym Saga. Your patience is greatly appreciated. Anndddd.... here we go:

So after I had finally made it to the gym, I thought to myself, "Now what?"

Options:

1. Go inside - this may lead to exercise, but definitely not necessarily.

2. Turn around and go back and tell Selfy to fuck herself b/c she never said to actually exercise, she just said go to the gym and I fuckin already pwn-ed that shit.

3. Go to Taco Bell.

Why is this so difficult to decide?! I considered asking Selfy for a little more guidance, but then remembered that she sucks and that I could make this decision on my own.

Somewhat reluctantly, I decided to go with option 1: actually go inside.

Okay Lisa, you can do this. Just put on a super awesome workout playlist and at least try out one of the machines for, let's say 5 min, and then after that if you want to keep going you can. But, if you are utterly miserable, you can leave and will still have been victorious. Yeahh, that sounds good.

So I went inside.

Immediately, I knew this was a mistake.

I should have gone to Taco Bell.

Just as I was about to turn around and be like, Jklolznvm, I see my friend, Sue, who works out like twice a day and has a body make of  steel but is still feminine and I hate her guts.

Sue: Hey Lisa!

Lisa: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckdonttalktomefuckfuckfuckgoawayihateyouskinnyassbitchhoeslut 

Hey Sue, whats up?

Sue: Just about to do some cardio. Where are you in your workout? Wanna join?

Lisa: fuckyoubitchillneverjoinyouever! I just started. Sure, cardio sounds good.

Sue: Awesome, I was thinking elliptical

Lisa: of course you were, bitchhoebitch. Okay. greeeaaattttt.

So Sue and I walk together into the cardio room and try to find two elliptical machines next to each other. Unfortunately, the only two machines open are not next to each other, but one in front of the other. So, just my luck, Sue takes the one in the back, meaning now I am stuck working out in front of the Bionic Woman and she gets to watch me look like a fucking wimpy moron on my least favorite machine ever. My problems are really bad.

*footnote: Elipticals suck. Mostly because they are normally commandeered by all the sorority girls

who can't help but give it a bad rep. Also, it makes your boobs bounce up and down, which may be an attraction for the sorority scene, but in reality it is just extremely painful and not cute whatsoever.

I start elliptical-ing. I feel like a tool. I want to stop. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. What am I doing here? I look down at the dashboard thingy of the machine:

Oh. My. God. I am never going to survive this. I will die right here. I tried to focus on my music, but the song that comes on is Feels Like Today. Normally, I'd be TOTALLY down, but all I can think is, NO IT DOESN’T! Now I will forever associate this song with this miserable, embarrassed, exhausted, depressed feeling. I want to cry. Now I resent the elliptical even more for making me resent a good song. So much resentment!

Finally, the dashboard reads:

5 minutes. I made it! I reconsider what I am doing, realizing I feel terrible about myself, doing this dumb-ass machine in front of Sue who has probably already burned like 5,698,798,656 calories without breaking a sweat and still looks cute and is like "exercising makes me feel so good!" I can just imagine her listening to Party in the USA and shitting herself about how great and fit she is. I want to throw up everywhere just thinking about it.

So I stop. Get off. Walk over to Sue and (try to) calmly say,

Lisa: Hey, I think I'm actually gonna go to the weight room. anything to get away from your smug gaze burning into the back of my neck like a flamethrower!

Sue: Wow, that is so impressive!

Lisa: ...bitch. Thanks. Catcha later.

What was I thinking. Lifting? I mustof really panicked back there. Maybe I can just walk over in the direction of the weight room, and then inconspicuously leave out the back door and go get Taco Bell. 

But then I realize I am already sweaty (gross), and now I have even more reason to stay and actually try to exercise. I HATE THE GYM! IT RUINS MY ALREADY REALLY DIFFICULT LIFE!!!

Okayokayokay, calm down. Now is not the time or the place to rage. Just go to the weight room, do a squat or two and then revaluate. Good plan.

I walk into the weight room.

If sorority row has colonized the ellipticals, the weight room is frat central.

So many tank tops. 

I’m not even attracted to these behemoths, but I literally cannot focus with this many tank tops.

It's like all of the biceps in the world revolted and demanded their liberty and the weight room is their party headquarters. So many tank tops! I'm dizzy from so many tank tops. I take a minute to myself to recover from all of the tank tops and then continue on.

I walk over to the squat thing. Luckily, there is no one in front of me, otherwise I would have just split then and there. Been like, ohmantoobadguessig2gbaaiii!!!

But no. Now that I am actually standing in front of the squat thing, I start to get a little motivated. Let's do this! Naturally, I put on the best lifting song ever, Ice Cream Paint Job.

I start by just lifting the bar. (I look around to make sure there are not cute boys who will be watching me epically fail at only lifting the stupid fuckin bar which already weighs way more than necessary). The coast is clear.

Here I go. And in my head I hear: "Yeah buddy, rolling like a big shot, Chevy tuned up like a NASCAR pitstop.."

I take my first squat.

Inhale. GAAHHHHLORDHAVEMERCYYY!! Exhale. 1.

I did it. Yeaaahh Buddy! Only 9 more.

The song changes to Man in the Mirror and I’m like, WTF?! So I quickly search for another good motivating/badass song. Yup, found it: Poppin' bottles in the ice, like a blizzard, when we drink we do it right gettin' slizzard. I’m singing under my breath now, uhhh, what, yeah, what, mmhmm, mmmhmm. I'm starting to really feel like a big shot now and with my new found attitude, I manage to finish one set. Despite my superb mental ferocity, all the while my legs are screaming at me:

I take a break after my first set. Wipe my brow. Finish my water bottle and strut over to the fountain to fill it back up. As I strut, I have this cocky look on my face that tells any and all tank top monsters that, yeah, I lift. What now mofucka??!??!!?

And here I will take another break in my Saga of the Gym and the Tank Top Monsters. I hope you enjoyed Gym Part II. Part III - Abs and Other Miserable Core Work, will be coming as soon as possible.

In the meantime, if anyone sees Sue at the gym, just avoid any and all contact, eye contact, anything, and you will hopefully be saved from the most devastatingly traumatizing 5 minutes of your life.

Sincerely,

Lisa January