The Many Adventures of Lisa January: The Gym, Part 1 – Getting There

The Many Adventures of Lisa January: The Gym, Part 1 – Getting There

Dear Readers,

Last night, I ate too much dinner. 

Like, way too much. I ate enough food to feed at least 18 starving children in some poor African country for an entire week. I was at that point where you really only have three options:

1.             Puke

2.             Sleep

3.             Die

After not much deliberation (puking smells gross and I am not ready to die, check back with me during finals week though) I decided to go with number 2. Sleep. So, I went straight to bed, with one caveat; I promised myself I would go to the gym the next day…………I knew this would be incredibly difficult so I even prayed to God to give me divine strength:

The next day I woke up, not so happy. I knew I had to go to the gym, but there was one really big problem:

I didn’t want to.

I decided to speak to God again:

But then he was like…

And then he stopped talking to me.

COME BACK!!!!! I screamed hysterically for a few seconds because God had abandoned me. But then I thought: God may have a point. Maybe I should try talking to myself, like crazy people.

I have to admit, I was really afraid to talk to myself. What if my ‘self’ (let’s call her Selfy) was really mean and like a drill sergeant and is all, “GET YOUR ASS UP AND GO TO THE MOTHERFUCKING GYM!!!” That would totally blow. Okay, take a deep breath and just talk. You can do it…

Me: Self, I have a problem.

Selfy: Oh hey wassup?Aite, shoot.

(So far, so good. And apparently Selfy is kinda ghetto).

Me: I am sitting on about 234,293,058,304,982 calories from dinner and my arteries would appreciate it if I went to the gym, but I really don’t want to.

Arteries: PLEASE, LISA! JUST GO TO THE GYM! FOR USSS???!!!! PLLLLELEEEAASSSSEEEEE!! (They start weeping pathetically uncontrollably).

Me: SHUTUPI’mnottalkingtoyou!

Selfy: Whoa, whoa, everyone chill. Why don’t you just get in your gym clothes to start? That way you will start the process of going to the gym.

Me: Baller idea, Selfy.

Selfy: mmmmhmmmm.

So, I got in my gym clothes like a pro.

Then I updated Selfy that I would do a bit of homework first, and let myself acclimate to my spandex.

She said that was fine.

Then I said I needed to start my laundry.

She said that was fine.

Then I said I need to send a few emails.

She wasn’t super happy about that but said it was fine.

Then I said I needed to go get my laundry.

And then…

Selfy: Uhh, Lisa.

Me: What?

Selfy: So, are you still gonna go to th-

Me: No.

Selfy: Yes you are. Lisa, go.

Me: No.

Selfy: LISA!!

…Lisa?

…..Liiiiiisa?????????

Me: Shutupihateyougoaway!

Selfy: STOP BEING A LAZY-ASS AND GO TO THE FUCKING GYM!

….

Me: I can’t.

Selfy: What do you mean you can’t?

Me: I’m getting a cold.

Selfy: You’re lying.

Me: I’m on my period.

Selfy: No you aren’t.

Me: I was on my period last week and I’m still tired and cranky and have cramps.

I didn’t want to go so badly my heart was crying. I knew Selfy was right, but my damned pride and utter laziness wouldn’t let me up. I tried one more thing…

Me: I’m tired, I think I’ll just lay down for a-

Selfy: GET THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!! (louder than I have ever heard any sound ever.)

Now that my fear of a mean ‘self’ had been realized and solidified, I got angry and didn’t want to speak to her ever again. Even the sight of her started to make me rage. I also was getting tired of being yelled at. So, with a ferocious scowl, I got up and left her in my room. Meanie-butthead.

But now where do I go?

Uh oh. I have even less excuses than ever before; I have finally left my dorm room and I’m in my gym clothes. Selfy probably planned this whole thing: that sneaky bitch.

Okay, fine. I can play your little game. I’ll go to the gym!

I was already an all-star, a real OG, a grade A hardcore badass, just for deciding to actually go to the gym. So, with my new found motivation that was bred from spite, I started off…

During my walk, I ran into a lot of people who were like, “are you going to the gym?” and I was like, “Yeah.” And they were like, “Good for you!” and I was like, “I know, I am really disciplined.”

Finally, after a long journey filled with encouraging tunes made up on the spot by me, I reached my destination and felt even more like the badest motherfucker ever alive!!!!!!!!!!11

THE END….

Of PART 1!!!!!

Get ready for the next part, coming soon!

Love,

Lisa January