Book 4: Satan Lurks from a Tree on Adam and Eve and Gets His Plan A-Rollin’
Satan, once again, is feeling angst-y.
“My thoughts are so freakin’ tumultuous and conflicted! I’m doubting myself! I feel like hell! Gaahhh!!! And stop staring at me, Sun; all you make me think about is how nice heaven was and how God really didn’t deserve what I did. Geez, I hate reflecting on myself and realizing how much of a dick I was. All he did was love me and like a jackass preteen I shoved it in his face and hated him for it. And see, I can’t go back now. Everyone I convince to fight with me and follow my dreams of freedom and rebellion would kick my ass. I’d be the fuckin’ laughing stalk of hell, which is really saying something. And you should know by now that I do really like my reputation. No one understands me! I’m soooo complex!”
MEANWHILE:
Uriel: “Huh, that little cherub looks like he is in some distress…wait a minute…that can’t be a real cherub…then…it must be an imposter!”
MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE:
Satan: “ I think I’ll turn into a big bird and go get a closer look of this Eden place. Yeaahhh, I’ll go sit on that big-ass tree over there” the Tree of Life “and totally shit on it! Hahaha, awesome.” Satan sits upon the Tree of Life and looks about Eden, realizing it is damn nice: a luxurious, rural perfection. “I think I see them. Yep, target spotted. Eww, gross they are naked. I can’t believe God could have made this Disneyland and not have at least provided a white tee 3 pack or something. Cheap bastard. On the other hand, it is kind of…what’s the word…precious how these two have noooo idea what is coming to them. They sit here all happy-go-lucky, playing with animals and each other, Adam all strong and blonde and Eve…shoooooot, Eve is pretty hot… In another lifetime I def could kick it with these two. Oh well, sucks for them. Oh wait, I think I hear them. Maybe I will learn a bit more about them and figure out how to really hit ‘em where it hurts.”
Adam: “My sole partner, and soul mate, let us forever live our lives that the almighty has granted us in debt to and praise of He. All he asks of us is to refrain from eating the fruit that grows on the Tree of Knowledge, next to the Tree of Life. That is his one demand on pain of death; what that is, I have no idea. For now, we shall ‘prune these growing plants, and tend these flowers.”
“Well that was a free-bee.” Satan continues to listen to Adam talking about…what honestly kinda just sounds like gardening.
Eve: “You are correct my dear soul mate. We must honor our Father. I can remember now how he created me from your rib and I awoke disoriented but soon saw my reflection in a lake. I looked good. And then I followed God to you. And you looked good…We look good. And we are gonna make a good lookin’ human race. Kiss me!”
“Slut.”
Satan, for god’s sake, or not for his sake.. whatever you know what I mean, stop making these comments! It’s getting distracting.
“Sorry. Anyway, it’s fuckin’ disgusting watching these two making out in fucking bliss. I haven’t “made out” since the 7th grade…I need to destroy them and fast! I need to get them to eat that fruit, but how…hmmm…Ah yes, curiosity. That is my answer. I will make them curious about the one thing God has told them to disregard, and they will be like putty in my hands. Especially the chick, she seems dumb, I can already tell.” Satan goes off to eavesdrop on angels to see if he can learn anything else of importance.
MEANWHILE:
Uriel speaks to Gabriel about how he fucked up and accidentally didn’t see that Satan has entered Paradise.
“Uhh, Angel Gabriel, I think one of the fallen has snuck into our blessed paradise.”
“I’ve been standing at the gate the whole time and I can ensure you that…
“Cause I saw a young cherubim who has a look of emotion on his face not found in heaven; he must have been of Satan’s army, if not Satan himself.
“Ohh fooey. Okay, well we will find the intruder asap. I’m definitely gonna hear about this, considering my only job is to keep evil out.” Haha, Gabriel sucks at his job. What an idiot.
MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE:
Adam and Eve say their nightly prayers, get in bed, and get it on. No shame, no sin. Baby, this is paradise. Bow chica wow wow and a hey-yo!
BACK TO THE FIRST MEANWHILE:
Gabriel tells his two angel friends, Zephon and Ithuriel, to find that son-of-a-bitch. They find him, disguised as a toad, whispering in Eve’s ear as she sleeps. What a sick-o.
“Hey you! Uhhh, Toad there! You are…uh…not a toad!” Ithuriel is shaking, his voice is cracking. He is scared, man is he scared. I mean, I would be too.
With that, Satan turns back into his glorious, blonde self.
“Good for you. You found me, and you are right, I am not a toad.”
“Who are you?”
“You mean, you don’t know who I am? You knew me once…”
“Ahh yes, but you kinda look like hell now, haha, up top!” The two angels ‘high-five’ “And you smell bad. We, being from heaven, smell like kettle corn and banana cream pie. You no longer smell like kettle corn, my old friend.” Satan, being vain as he is, gets all upset that these punk angels insulted him. He tried to be all cool and be like, “oh, how could you not know who I am?” and they totally owned him. This is the last thing we need, for Satan to get all upset again; what an emotional wreck. “We will now take you to see Gabriel.”
Gabriel: “Satan, what on earth are you doing…uh…on earth? Didn’t we send you away once already?”
“Gabriel, I thought you were smart. Of course I’m on earth. Hell sucks. Why would I stay there? And just because they found me near Eve, disguised as a toad, whispering in her ear, does not mean I am causing any sort of trouble whatsoever.” Gabriel rolls his eyes.
“If Hell is so bad, where are all your buddies? What, only you couldn’t take the heat down there?” SO MANY REFERENCES TO HEAT AND HELL AND GOD AND STUFF LIKE THAT!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!111
“Don’t make me laugh. You know first-hand just how phenomenally brave I am. No, I just wanted to, you know, test the waters a little…be a good leader.” Satan winks at Gabriel, mockingly.
“You are so full of it. You are no leader, just a hot-headed punk kid. I should lock you up back in hell.”
They keep bickering, taking turns puffing up their chests and trying to act dominate or whatever. They even get ready to fight but consequently receive a sign from Heaven to chill out. Satan, with his pride wounded most likely ‘cause he is so freakin’ sensitive, flies back down to hell.
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