The Many Adventures of Lisa January: Life After College?

The Many Adventures of Lisa January: Life After College?

Dear Readers,

When I went home last break, I was bombarded with scary adults who were very concerned that I had no idea what I was going to do after college.

Adult: “Lisa, what are you gonna do after college?”

Me: “Ionno”

Adult: “Well, do you have any ideas?”

Me: “Something fun.”

Adult: “Fun?” Adult patronizingly chuckles. “And what would that be?”

Me: (I already said IONNO!) “Join the circus? Become a CPA?”

Mrs. Adult thought I was giving her attitude, but to be completely honest, I still haven’t even accepted that there is an ‘after-college.’ I’d been trying not to because as soon as you do, you can never get back to the state of oblivious bliss. Kinda like as soon as you realize there is no Santa, or Tooth Fairy or other fantasy constructs. It's devastating as shit. But, it is true and at some point I will have to get something called a ‘job' to make monies. Although some people would look at this and get RAGE (like I normally get from everything) I have decided to take a positive outlook on this inevitability of my life. Maybe, if I am able to find the right ‘job,’ then I will have more fun when I am an adult and stress won’t turn my hair gray as quickly! Yay! In fact, there may even be more than one right ‘job’ for me out there. I started to get excited about my many prospects and naturally, went to the internet to explore.

To my great surprise, something sparkling and glorious came up: QUIZZESS!!!! I didn’t know you could take a test and the internetzzz would tell you what to be when you grow up! How cool! So I clicked on one of the quizzes, refilled my diet coke and fearlessly got myself ready to figure out my future.

I submitted my test and in those few seconds in which some algorithm was calculating my overall worth as a human being, I was so nervous! Like, what if something comes up that I really don’t wanna do but my mom wants me to?  THEN I HAVE NO EXCUSE! ‘Cause she’ll be all: “the quiz told you can become a doctor,” and I’ll be like: “No.” And then she’ll be mad at me. And then I'll feel bad b/c 'maybe I can become a doctor' and now I'll have to live with the guilt that the internetzzz says I can be a doctor but I don't want to be one and am thus making Mom mad. Finally, after 2.365 seconds, my results were in!

FUCK THIS QUIZ!!!!! This is bullshit!! OH NO! The RAGE is coming on! Quick, think of a happy to calm you down. Come on Lisa, damnit, think! Uhh, uuhh (luckily, at this exact moment, I got a text…which means I am popular. I felt better). But still. This quiz is dumb. I can do so many more things than that. A fashion model would be cool I guess, but then I’d be stuck at that fucking salad bar for the rest of my life and would have to give up delicious things like onion rings. No way Jose. Then, all at once, it hit me like a piece of shining, golden, fluffy idea that had fallen out of the sky. I will make my own quiz! A quiz just for me. So I opened a word document, made a quiz, and took that shit.

I am totally a quiz master! I got all ‘yes’s! Then, I looked over my responses and using my very on algorithm, calculated my results:

I AM SOOO TALENTED AND GREAT!!!!!! Look at all the cool things I am totally meant to do!  I was very pleased with myself and my new prospective careers and no matter what, I knew I would be greatly successful and pwn on bitches and people with lamer jobs all day long. I can’t wait for ‘after college!’............…I take that back. But at least it isn’t looming so dangerously and scarily and intimidatingly, anymore.

I showed the results of my quiz to Mom who said that I was dumb for creating my own quiz because the results were only things that I thought were cool or things I’d recently seen on reality TV shows. You know what, Mom, doctors are total noobs and if I want to be a Wild Animal Trainer/Domesticator I CAN DAMN WELL BE ONE!!!!!!!!

This experience has taught me 4 things.

1.   There are a lot of cool things to do after college, like being President.

2.   Online quizzes that try and find a career for you totally suck!

3.   Anytime a quiz you take gives you a bad/wrong/rage-inducing answer, you can always just make your own that makes you look like a badass-superstar-champion-woman.

4.   Thinking about onion rings makes me really hungry.

If you have any more ideas for ‘jobs’ for me for ‘after college,’ please let me know! And don’t worry if you don’t know what you are doing yet. Just don't let any mean internetz quizzes tell you that you can't work for the mofuckin' FBI. (But if it does, make your own quiz and put it as your top result - like me!)

Love,

Lisa January