Book 5: A Picnic with Raphael
Okay. So. Just a quick recap. We left off where Satan was creepin’ on Eve, giving her bad dreams. He was then caught and sent out of Heaven and he was sad and mad because he doesn’t like Hell. Poor guy. Now, we are at the part where Eve wakes up and is all distraught about her nightmare: Ready, set, go!
Adam notices that Eve looks in distress while she is sleeping. Considering there are no negative emotions in Paradise (as of now, mwahahaha!), he is nervous and wakes her up.
“Eve? Eee-eeevvvveeeee… EVE!!!!!” Adam is apparently fairly impatient.
“Ahh!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 What?!”
“I think you were having a bad dream…”
“Oh my dear soul mate, it was terrible! I dreamed that I was walking and came across an Angel who told me to eat from the Tree of Knowledge (foreshadowing much?) and I became nervous because I know we shouldn’t do that. But this angel was so convincing, saying that eating the fruit would make me as wise and great as all the spirits of Heaven, and wanted to eat it so badly. It was awful! Hold me!” Adam looks pretty nervous. Eve is talkin’ crazy and really scaring him. But, being the super manly man that he is, Adam decides to try and make her feel better. What a nice guy.
“Evie, my dearest, darling-est Evie-pie! It will all be okay. The fact that you are so upset by this dream means you will not enact this dream in real life. (That’s what youuu think…haha, suckers.) You have reason (kinda) and reason will always prevail over evil impulses. Let’s just get back to our gardening. That will make you feel better.”
Adam and Eve go and tend to their flowers, taking their minds off Eve’s nightmare. I have to say, it is pretty funny how Adam is always talking about foliage. He is like, super into flowers and shrubbery. I feel like, if he were alive today, he would totally be a vegan hippy who smokes a lot of weed and wears jewelry made of wood and bamboo. Okay, so they garden and then pray to God for a little while and their day continues as such.
MEANWHILE:
God: “Raphael, I need you to go down to Earth and warn those two that Satan has some crafty shit up his sleeve to doom them to complete destruction. They have to be warned so they don’t blame me when they fuck up.” Has anyone noticed how much of a potty-mouth God is? Geez Louise. Anyway, Raphael answers:
“You got it.”
BACK ON EARTH:
Adam and Eve are sitting in their garden when suddenly Adam sees something coming towards them…
“Hey Eve, what do you think that could possibly be? Oh! As it approaches I can see that it is an angel from Heaven. No wait! Not just any angel, but the Seraph Raphael. Quick, we must have food when he gets here. Hence! Gather food for our guest.”
Eve goes to find food. She gets all excited about it but also feels a lot of pressure to impress their angel guest with the a great assortment of quality foods. I kinda feel bad for her at this point because I feel like she isn’t the sharpest blade on the razor and she has been ordered to do something that is causing her stressL. But, she does do a pretty good job and soon comes back with food for a picnic.
Adam: “Welcome Angel Raphael! Welcome to our home!” Adam bows. “We have prepared a great feast of fruits and other stuff we have collected from our forest to share with you. Will you eat with us?” Raphael nods and starts checking out Eve. He says hello to her and starts talking about how one day her womb will give rise to a great race of men, which is pretty awkward. He is totally hitting on her, telling her how lovely she looks. It’s a damn good thing that Angels are ill-equipped, otherwise I’d say Adam should beat this fucker’s brains in with a stick.
MEANWHILE:
Just kidding! We are still at the picnic, where they are still just talking and talking and talking, about food and Heaven and food in Heaven and how humans are great and rocks are lame compared to humans and how animals are kinda neat, somewhere in the middle, and akjfv;alkdj;blakjfb;aldsjalsdkja;lfkjab;lskd. Boring stuff, but wait…they get to an important part…here we go:
“It is important, Adam, that you remain obedient to the Almighty who made you, such a divine yet human being.”
“Why would I ever not be obedient? God has given me all I’ve ever wanted. I’ve got my garden (see!) and this nice patch of grass (Adam LOOVVVESS his grass, I fuckin’ knew it!) to have a picnic on with good company such as yourself, and I have Eve…(hahahahahahah).”***
***Note: I know I’m doing a lot of commenting in this book, but I really would like to take this opportunity to say what I think of Eve. In my opinion, Eve is like the loveable dumb girl. The “simple minded” girl who is genuinely just “happy to be here.” Eve is the girl who gets called on in class and doesn’t know the answer, so the mean boy next to her tells her something falst to say and she says it and completely humiliates herself, but is sooooo dumb that she doesn’t even realize what happened. This is Eve, the borderline mentally disabled but adorably oblivious, and probably kinda pretty chick. Back to the plot:
“Right, but you see, our great Lord created you as perfect, but as still having free will, meaning you make your own destiny and can thus choose to do bad things.” Adam looks deep in thought. We aren’t reaaallly sure if he actually understands what Raphael is saying…he isn’t the sharpest tooth in the shark’s mouth either (but not as dumb as Eve).
“But does anyone ever disobey God? How could this be?”
Raphael chuckles, “Well…”
“Oooohhhh, tell me tell me! Story time!” Reluctantly, Raphael begins the story of Satan’s fall.
“Once upon a time, there was nothing but what we call Chaos. And from that Chaos, God created Heaven. And in Heaven God created hierarchies, to promote order. However, one day, God told all of his angels that he had a new son who would be placed above all the angels and would become God’s second in command, ruling alongside him. God warned everyone to accept this or we he would break their necks and shit down their throats. Everyone was fine with it except one very important angel, Satan. Satan used to be the highest angel. Top Dog. Big man on campus. A real ace-in-the-hole. So, having this new ‘son’ come in hit his ego hard. He became very jealous, and angst-y (for a change…NOT!) and decided to break away from God, creating his own band of angels. Because of his reputation as a real sharp shoot, a daddy-o, a stud muffin, he had no problem getting followers and soon had created a rebel party focused on demanding equality for all.” Who know Satan was so liberal. Sorry, this is becoming long story. Hang in there, we are about to hit the drama. “However, among Satan’s followers, there was one, Abdiel, who was not so sure that Satan had it right. ‘Satan, how can you be mad at God who created you? He can do whatever he wants and you need to understand that you serve him. You cannot try to match his power for he is the Almighty. Don’t be ungrateful, you fool! If you fight, you will lose, I promise you.’ Despite Abdiel’s quite accurate remarks, Satan and his followers stayed stubbornly steadfast, causing Abdiel to leave them to their rebellious selves and return to God. ”
Whew! That was a long story and though it continues in the next book, this is the end of Book 5. To sum it up: Adam likes plants, Eve is dumb, Satan has forever been angst-y and Raphael gets a free picnic. Onward and upward!
No comments:
Post a Comment