The Many Adventures of Lisa January: A Meeting With The Devil Incarnate

The Many Adventures of Lisa January: A Meeting With The Devil Incarnate

I was just sitting in class, minding my own business when all of a sudden… 




Yep. She started talking. It doesn’t even matter about what. She just kept using arrogantly/borderline-offensively large or complex words like “paradigmatic” and shit like that. And I thought I was going to kill her. Or vomit. Or pull out my own fucking hair from my own fucking head and shove it down her throat so she would just SHUT THE FUCK UP! I hate this girl. When she talks, all I hear is “I’m soooo smart. Look at me because I’m sooo smart. I’ve read every book and can understand Lacan and taught myself astrophysics and I know every big word and more jargon, more jargon, jargon, jargon.” I wish she would just choke on her jargony jargon jargon and that no one in the room knows CPR. Then she can die and we won't have to listen to her ever again! Yaay!! But, she isn't dead. So for now, she is my problem. Anyway, she is just sitting there, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking and more talking. The TA is just taking this crap because she is trying to encouraging, but I’m like…

Then, all of a sudden, right at the moment when I am literally about to pick up my desk and smash her fuckin’ brains in with it, my moment comes! I knew it would have to come sooner or later. No one can talk for that long and that quickly, using that many words and not…slip up (mwahahahahaha!) Proof: she is human and does dumb things like the rest of us! (Not that I would EVER want to identify her. I don't even make eye contact with her). Anyway, like I was saying, next thing I know, she says something like this...

Now is my chance…to shit all over her! Also, I need some participation points for this class because as of now, I've been so distracted and frustrated by this chick that I couldn't even bring myself to say anything. Also, also, to be completely honestly, I am always a little reluctant to say anything, just incase I screw up and she jumps down my throat, making me feel all bad about myself, potentially making me cry later on the phone to my mom (I would NEVER cry in front of her. EVER!). She feeds off the ignorance or mistakes of others like a leech. She sucks the life-force and will to live/learn/breath/smile right out of you like she is sucking chocolate soy milk out of a bendy straw. But not this time! This time she has really 'put her foot in her mouth' and I will take her chocolate soy milk! Heroically, I raise my hand and I say, ever so eloquently…

“You are…

I state my objection to her lame idea beautifully and the class gives me a silent round of applause through their unanimous nods of approval. Mmmmm, victory sure is sweet. I know they want to see this girl in pain too. Some maybe even more than I do but haven’t mustered up the guts to challenge her yet. It’s okay quiet, timid soul. I’ll stand up for you. Even the TA is happy I beat her idea in the nuts with a machete. Or at least made her think twice before running her mouth. There is a new badass mofucka in town, and her name is Lisa January. To just make this thaaat much sweeter, a girl sitting a few rows away raises her hand and says, “I agree with Lisa.” I like you, girl. And anytime you wanna take a metaphorical or literal bat to this chick, I’ve got yo back.

The devil raises her hand and amends her original statement so she doesn’t look like she was completely mutilated. But she was (yesssss). In defending herself she uses another large word which makes me cringe, but I shake it off quite easily. Sure, go back to your room and read yourself silly, but whenever you want a rematch, I’m ready for you and I will fight to your death.