Book 1: The Beginning of the End
Satan is sitting with Beezlebub in a lake of fire. They just lost. God chained them there for their punishment but allows them to unchain themselves b/c he thinks they will eventually do good things with their freedom. Or something like that.
“We suck.”
“Oh Beez, don’t act so melodramatic We will fight back. I’m not gonna lay down and cry like some lil’..ow!” Satan whimpers. A spark has flown in is eye. He rubs his eye tenderly as his lower lip sticks out in a sad, pathetic way.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“You delicate flower, you.”
“We will get our revenge, Beez! Even if I have to march up there and beat him to shit myself.”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we tried that. No matter how hard we try, we aren’t gonna win, especially in his neighborhood. Trying to ascend to heaven is literally fighting an uphill battle.”
“Okay. Fine, Debbie Downer,” Satan whispers under his breath “but we will get our revenge. I need it. I feel so bad about myself right now. And this place smells really bad. Imma throw up. And it is damn hot. I feel so angst-y down here, like a 13 year old girl who can’t get her pony-tail just right! GAahhhh!!!” Satan is freaking out.
“Well, get used to it, because unless you have some brilliant plan, I think we are gonna be here for a while…Satan starts to smirk. Uh oh. You do have a brilliant plan don’t you? What is it, just tell me and spare me all the…”
“Gather everyone! We are having a meeting!”
All of the fallen angels that have just fought and lost for Satan join him in a large gathering. Milton goes through and names all the important angels, but frankly, that part is boring so I will just say that despite having lost a most epic battle against God in heaven, the angels are still numerous and relatively proud to carry their banners (apparently they all have really nice banners, that despite having gone through a war are still intact).
“Everyone! My fellow Angels! Welcome to our new home. Listen all, we may have lost but I still have a lot of evil in me and god damnit – isn’t it fun that I can say that now! – we will have our revenge!” a few cheers, some chuckles, some growns.
Random Angel 1 (screaming): It’s too fucking hot!
Random Angel 2 (screaming): Satan, I’m gonna slit your throat you fucking piece of..
Crowd murmurs in accord with Random Angel 2.
“Hey, hey, hey! Everyone, settle down! I’m glad we fought even if we have been humiliated and sent to this ass-crack. When our lord starts pickin’ favorites, and I don’t care that it was his son, there is a problem. I’ll admit it, I do like my attention and I maybe got a little too jealous and blew things a little out of proportion..
Random Angel 3 (screaming): You’re damn right you did!
…but I’m a sensitive guy. I have depth and when He starts treatin’ us differently, my moral compass goes off and says, ‘Satan, this isn’t right.’ And you know what, it wasn’t right.” Satan gets really excited about what he is saying and the crowd starts to see where he is coming from. “Listen, we need to be free. We need to spread our wings and have no one to strike us down. It is better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heav’n!” The crowd applauds. “Our minds are strong and we can make this hell into our very own heaven, just with a different color scheme (which honestly suites my skin tone better anyway) and looser chicks, am I right?” Crowd whistles in applause. “So what do you all think? Shall we work together and seek our revenge? Together we are strong! Together we are free!”
With that, many of the creatures in hell get together and in no time construct a giant palace called Pandemonium. Everyone goes inside to actually start the discussion about what the fuck to do now.
Book 2: The Plan
Everyone is inside Pandemonium and ready to figure out how to get their revenge. Moloch speaks first.
“Let’s fuckin tear their fucking heads off and chew off their fucking arms and stick them up their fucking asses!! All of them! We are warriors and nothing could be worse than this hell, this pile of steaming, burning, stinking shit! We will fight and fight and fight and whether we win or lose, we will maintain our dignity and we will get out of this place for we will fight until the end of eternity!!!!!!!!” Moloch has to stop talking because he is starting to hyperventilate and his left eye popped out of its socket when a blood vessel in his brain burst from his heart pounding harder and faster than I don’t know what. Boy needs a xanax or something.
“I disagree,” Belial spoke. “Think about this. God is way more powerful than we can even imagine. I’m surprised we are all still alive to be completely honest with you and we can only thank god that we aren’t chained to that lake of fire any more. This is what I think. God isn’t done. He is waiting to punish us more. Why? Because he is probably just some perverted, sick bastard like the rest of us. Basically, I don’t want to go to war. I just want to sit on my ass and accept that we lost, that we fucked up, and now we are here and I’m too tired to leave. Besides, the chicks are looser down here.” A few chuckles from the crowd.
“How lazy can you be?” It was Mammon this time. “We don’t go back. We never go back. We never bow down to God ever again. We stay here and we don’t whine and carry on about it and just sit on our asses. We make something of it. Just think. Our own kingdom, empire, world! All ours. We will truly be free and powerful and can create the heaven we lost, but better: on our own terms!” The crowd applauds. “We will be more powerful than God and heaven and all that marshmallow-y crap up there. We will be the chocolate to their vanilla and we will dominate!” Thunderous applause.
Random Angel 1 (screaming): Heaven can suck it!
Random Angel 2 (screaming): I want some chocolate!
“Yes, Mammon, all very inspiring stuff.” Now Beezlebub is speaking. “But consider this. Rumor has it that God is working on a new project. Something called ‘earth.’ A new place which he will populate with a new race that, apparently ,he loves above all his angels – not that I particularly care anymore, but you catch my drift; he cares about this little diorama. I say, we find this place and destroy it. Let’s break God’s new toys so badly he wished he never sent us to this, literally, godforsaken hell!” The crowd goes wild. They love it. Yes, they want to do this. But who will take head on this more evil endeavor?
“I shall do this. I will find earth and shit all over it. I need attention and want to be a hero. I shall do this.” It was Satan (but you already knew that).
Yay, Satan! Okay, so he goes off to start his corrupting and reaches the 9 gates of hell. There are two weird thingies guarding them: a big amorphous dark cloud/blob thingy and a chick with the lower half of her body as a snake and howling dogs biting at her. They are about to fight when…
“Wait! Satan! Don’t you remember me? I am the woman that ‘sprung from your head.’ Remember? It’s me, Sin.”
“Oh yeah. Uhhh, Heeeyy Sin. Wassup?” Satan shudders meekly.
“I’m so glad you remember! After all, you did impregnate me with this dark blob you see over here, Death.”
“ Ewww.”
“And then he raped me and out came these howling dogs that forever bite and my feminine parts.”
“Uhhh...Can I just get through the gate? Please? I’m really in a hurry.”
“Still quite the gentleman I see..NOT! Yea sure, you can get through. But you have to be nice, seeing as we do hold the keys to the gates.” Sin dangles the keys in from of Satan who realizes that being obviously grossed out won’t really get him anywhere, literally, so he decides to let them in on his plan to totally corrupt god’s new race. They are really into it because they are evil too (they are his offspring) and open the gate for him. They follow him far behind, making a bridge from hell to earth so creatures from hell can forever mess with humans.
Satan steps out of hell and starts falling (falling shows up EVERYWHERE IN THIS POEM!... go figure) into a black abyss, the realm of Chaos and other abstractly named deities or powers or spirits or whatever.
“Chaos, I really need your help. I’m looking for earth.”
“And why should I help you, loser?”
“Becaaauuussseee, if you do, when I pwn on earth it will turn into such chaos it will undoubtedly become yours.” Good work Satan; that was a solid answer.
“Sounds good, kid. Just hang a left in about 2ish miles, continue for 4ish more miles and you’re there. If you’ve hit Mars you’ve gone too far.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem, but hey kid…don’t mess up this time. Don’t think I didn’t see you crash and burn not too long ago, it’d be pretty embarrassing to lose in front of the entire universe again. No pressure.”
With that, Satan continued his now-more-directed journey to earth.
Book: 3: God Makes is Plan and Jesus is a Suck Up
God sitting on his throne sees Satan flying towards this world, and …
“OH FUCK!!!! What the fuck are we gonna do!?!? Because I’m God and omniscient I can see that he is totally gonna shit all over my new doll house! I gave those motherfuckers free will and now I just have to sit here and take it. I feel like Satan is raping me in the fuckin’ asshole.”
“My dearest Father and loving Lord, It will all be ok.”
“Oh give me a break. I’m dying here! All I can do is offer mercy and grace and all that nice, lacey, swirly, fluffy stuff and wait for them to ask forgiveness because they will be seduced by him, the handsome devil.” (Pun intended)
“Father, I am inspired by your boundless kindness and weep that you have unfortunately been placed in such a difficult and frustrating situation, but if you offer mercy, then how can there be justice? For isn’t it also the responsibility of heaven and your counsel to ensure justice for all creation? You shall show mercy to those who show respect and love unto you, but to forgive those that do wrong would be unjust.”
“Who taught you to speak like that? You are my favorite son but honestly, you sound like a fuckin’ prick… But you have a point. Okay, okay, okay, here’s what we’ll do. We’ll offer a sacrifice to pay for all of the sins those lil’ fuckers are bound to commit. Yeah, someone will die for them. Someone important. And those that learn from that martyr and praise me and whatever will come chill with us up in heaven and those that don’t and smoke too much crack will find themselves smokin’ for the rest of eternity! Heyo!”
“That sounds marvelous, Father.”
“Yeah, I know. Okay, which one-a you wants to kick the preverbal can for the sake of, uh…well, me?”
And silence was in Heav’n.
The sound of crickets.
“I’ll do it Father! I will die for mankind and your love and respect an…”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. But hey, thanks for volunteering; I have a feeling this plan is going to work wonders and one day you will be as revered as me. Mankind will too take your name in vain when they stub their toes.”
Angel 1: cough “suck up” cough .
Angel 2: heh heh, for sure.
Angel 3: What a do-gooder lil’ girl.
Angel 2: I’m glad he’s leaving…
Angel 3: or should I say “she,” haha, am I right? Am I right? Offers high fives.
Angel 1: …the sooner the better.
Angel 2: bitch still owes me 5 bucks though..
MEANWHILE:
Satan is on earth, in what would today be China. There is nothing/no one there but he is still jealous that God created such a nice earth for mankind, the new favorite race. Get over it Satan, you fucked up.
“Is that the sun? (ADD kickin’ in) Man, it is so beautiful. I think I’ll fly towards it. Oh wait, now I see Uriel! I haven’t seen that guy in a ages, err at least since the war. Satan shudders. Bad times. Maybe I should go say wassup. Hmm, wait. Bad idea. That lil’ snitch will probs report back and be like, ‘Hey God, guess who I saw today on earth, messin’ wit yo Koolaid?’ I should make myself inconspicuous. Haha, I’ll turn myself into one of those super fruity, lame angels, like cupid and shit. Nice.”
Satan transforms into a cupid looking angel, like a Valentine’s Day stuffed animal.
“Why hello there, Uriel. Fancy meeting you here.”
“Not really, young one, for you see I am positioned...”
“…Right. So listen. I like this new, what’s it called…earth? I was super curious about it so I thought I’d come and check it out. Maybe you could give me the grand tour, so to speak.”
“Gee! How grand to have such a kind young cherubim interested in the work of our dear lord and father. However, I shan’t leave my post, I am sorry to say.”
“Well, maybe you could just uh, show me where these ‘people’ are. That would be more than enough.”
“Why, of course, young cherubim! They are just over yonder. Please, enjoy your look around, the ole man put a lot of work into this place.”
“I’m sure he did.” Satan smirks.
And Satan flies off to see what Eden is all about.
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